Mom Refusing To Use Daughter-in-Law's Real Name Slammed: 'Just a Nickname'
A woman has asked Reddit if she is the a****** for wanting her in-laws to call her by her real name.
In the post, user Illustrious_Bit_178 explains that her name is Rynn, "not Katherine. But ever since my ILs [in-laws] have met me, they have gotten the idea that my actual name is Katherine and Rynn is just a nickname."
The Mother-In-Law Project reports that in a study of 807 women from 49 states across the U.S., 20 percent of daughters-in-law report that they are dissatisfied or very dissatisfied with their relationship with their mother-in-law.
The frustrated woman continues, "I have asked them not to introduce me or tell people it's my name but they always go back to it."
She then describes a difficult situation at a recent birthday party for the mother-in-law where various friends "asked if I was Katherine." Clearly fed up with the situation, the daughter-in-law took matters into her own hands, joking that her mother-in-law must be losing her memory.
"She and FIL [father-in-law] came up to me close to the end of the party and I told them to stop telling people my name is Katherine and they need to accept that my name isn't up to them. They claim I was rude and that it was awful for me to try and embarrass them in front of their friends (by joking with MILs [mother-in-law's] friends). My husband told them they should have listened. But they are saying I took it too far and maybe I did," she wrote.
Newsweek spoke to clinical psychologist Dr. Darren Aboyoun about the family situation.
"Having a unique name brings an added burden. While you may not have chosen your name, teaching others how to pronounce and spell your name will be the first words from your mouth at every introduction. However, this story is not about a daughter-in-law's name," Aboyoun told Newsweek.
"First, this person's ILs seem recalcitrant despite the DIL's attempts at correcting them. The layperson may describe the ILs behavior as 'passive aggressive' and, it is one of the best examples of that process that I have read. Their resistance to correction reveals something: a dislike for the daughter or a discomfort with a non-traditional name. The ILs clearly know the correct name, but refuse to consistently acknowledge it.
"Going deeper, how has the DIL felt about her relationship with the ILs? Is their resistance to correction and acknowledgement of the DIL's name a reflection of their attitude towards her? It would feel very confusing to reconcile this repeated error by someone who knew, loved, and respected you. The DIL managed this unpleasant and embarrassing situation tactfully by making it a joke, but correcting the IL's friends."
Aboyoun continued, "Throughout this story, there is no mention about the IL's reactions/responses to being corrected and informed of the DIL's name. Instead, what is mentioned is their respective anger at the DIL for how it was handled. Generally speaking, mature ILs would have responded by taking responsibility and expressing some contrition for this error.
"They managed the situation at the party in the same way they managed this DIL's name—with no responsibility or acknowledgement of their part. The IL's blasé behavior toward something so important can provoke a rageful response. Not saying this is acceptable, just saying that rage is an understandable response to the ILs hostility."
What Did Reddit Say?
The post gained over 19,000 upvotes and in more than 2,500 comments, users on Reddit voted the original poster as "not the a******".
"You should start introducing them by different names every time you're out," advised Walnut_Pancake, while WolfgangAddams said, "People who are in the habit of un-abbreviating names are automatically TA in my book."
User winter_bluebird agreed, writing, "Yup. Call people what they want to be called, not what you THINK they should be called. JFC."
Newsweek has reached out to Illustrious_Bit_178 for comment.
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
");jQuery(this).remove()}) jQuery('.start-slider').owlCarousel({loop:!1,margin:10,nav:!0,items:1}).on('changed.owl.carousel',function(event){var currentItem=event.item.index;var totalItems=event.item.count;if(currentItem===0){jQuery('.owl-prev').addClass('disabled')}else{jQuery('.owl-prev').removeClass('disabled')} if(currentItem===totalItems-1){jQuery('.owl-next').addClass('disabled')}else{jQuery('.owl-next').removeClass('disabled')}})}})})
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7r7HWrK6enZtjsLC5jqampmWimrO2v8innmackaq0qcDEq2Slmadiv6aty2almqWVYsCtrcymnJ1lYWyEdX6Pcg%3D%3D